Two Sides of the Same Coin

 

Why is it the innate response in humans to tense up, become defensive, and move into fight mode as soon as someone contradicts us? I have noticed this happen in a myriad of situations. Some are more obvious, such as when someone rudely tells us we are wrong or dumb for thinking differently. However, some are more subtle. One example of these subtle contradictions stems from my first experience sharing a room and bathroom with someone. In addition to sharing a bathroom we also shared a bottle of shampoo. After several days, I noticed a pattern of this person leaving the shampoo bottle lid open. I liked it to be closed. In my mind, it needed to be secured in the event that it might fall over and spill, because little remnants of shampoo kept drying out and getting crusty all over the rim, and simply because it looked cleaner. However, in her mind, it needed to stay open because it was quicker and more convenient to use if it was already open. At the time we did not take time to verbalize these internal thoughts to one another, and quite honestly, we probably did not take the time to mentally verbalize them to ourselves. All we knew in the moment was that someone else was doing something that bothered us, that made us tense up, become bitter, and frustrated with the other person for impeding on our way of living.

These types of things happen all the time, but unfortunately, like we did, most people are unable to recognize the signs in their own brain that are being irrational and emotional rather than being able to logically reason through the conflict. In addition, they are not always as insignificant as a lid being open or closed on a shampoo bottle. Sometimes the things we disagree on are of major importance, invoke deep emotions, and have heavy impact on others. James Baldwin said,

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

But how do we learn how to not only respectfully disagree with someone, but how to become so self aware that we are able to recognize why we are experiencing the emotions that have boiled up? This article shares some tips on how to accomplish this. Psychology Today

One issue that I have noticed develop over my lifetime is the polarization of society because of social media. As spoken of in The Righteous Mind, people tend to have a tribal mindset. We like to be around people that agree with us and that are similar to us. Social media feeds into this dilemma, as the algorithms used to keep our attention are tailored to our specific interests. (More is spoken of on this in the documentary The Social Dilemma). This adds even more polarization to an American society that are already at odds on social, political, economical, and educational issues.

I believe that the first step in solving these issues is not only to be willing to listen to others, but being willing to learn about and recognize the faults of our own natural tendencies. As soon as we accept that we do not know everything, that our emotions are triggered often by irrational reasoning, and that others' experiences are just as valid as our own, we will learn that we really are "two sides of the same coin" because we are all human.